Saturday, 25 June 2011

Me and Love(?)...

Living a life like a bird in the wilderness is what I always longed for. It brings the best out of me whenever I am unleashed from all the fears and anticipations. I am what I am if you try to change me then get ready to see a different person everyday in me .....

As a child , I always used to get away with doing all the wrongs in my family and used to access it without any fear in mind only to get labeled as the "big bully" amongst my siblings. Though it was never like "spare the rod and spoil the child" with me. I too used to get my share of spankings from my parents. But then with me, it was more of a way of drawing my parents' attentions towards me. I was termed as the "Most talkative child" in my school . But that was something that I loved being termed as, as it only made me feel famous amongst all my friends in school. I loved all the attentions that I used to get from my teachers for all the possible wrong reasons. Almost every teacher eyed at me and I was quite OK with that, as I thought they made the best possible use of their eyes by eyeing me. The class monitors used to get fed up with me because of my indifferent attitude. But I was still OK with it. I remember those fun filled days of going to school with school bag hung on my shoulders wearing a short knee length skirt with a pair of "naughty boy" shoes and socks rolled down to the ankles and on reaching school gate I would quickly pull them up to please the teachers who loved eyeing me. I loved each moment of my childhood days. Loved travelling to each nook and corner of Assam, changing schools every third year parting away from old friends would never leave any scars in my heart. Making new friends all over again in new places would never seem to be a problem for me...that was something I still preserve as a part of my upbringing .

Then came the twist in the tale when I grew up. Yes I did grow up only to find myself in an wonderland of my own where I used to see little cupid flying with his arrow in the air . I used to literally see hearts popping up in the air. Gosh...I was the badly love struck little soul unleashed in this big bad world. I started feeling the butterflies in my tommy, started having unlimited crushes over people I would hardly know whether they really exist in this world or not. A person with a low profile would always attract me to no end. Be it an Wimbledon grand slam championship or a singing gala competition I would always invariably end up falling for the loser. I would go mad for such persons. The so called "under dogs" always used to leave me wonder more about them. Once I was done with doing a PhD in LOVE , I started considering myself to be a la Mother Teresa for the Godforsaken ones of the society. I would always willingly fall for such guys whom the rest of the society would averse. I would go weak in my knees for them as I was the only one for them sent by God ,a "Messiah" to save their life. I used to be so confident about their future that one day I will show the society by reforming them in their life, no matter whether they were bothered about my existence in their life or not. And much to everybody's anticipations, at the end there were certain brutal heart breaks...still I would go deep in LOVE with that person so much so that I would consider myself to be no less than a la Meena Kumari. Who says that a heart is made of glasses, that if it breaks can never be mended; mine was probably made out of some lenient ceramic fibre that could be easily fixed with the help of a QUICK FIX . A shoulder to cry on is all what I wanted to fix my heart . Life never stops after heart breaks in fact it moves faster in search of another to try it's luck one more time by thinking not to commit the same mistakes again. Love is rather a game of gamble where even if u lose once you don't mind giving it a shot again hoping for a big win next time. Yes there is always a next time in LOVE. In fact the more you lose in this game the greater chances for you to become a winner next time as you only become wiser in this game.

A carefree soul would overnight turn into a self styled poetess, all of a sudden I started to understand all those tough Urdu words of Jagjit Singh ji's Ghajals and would listen to it over and over again at a stretch till hours, and after that would pen down all her melancholy to nurture a broken heart and would feel great on her own creations considering love is a strong fuel to speed up the engine of your poetic soul. I still remember how euphoric that I used to feel regarding my own creations of "trials and tribulations" of my life as life was nothing else than nurturing a broken heart . All those heart breaks would not stop me from falling in love again and again as if I was born to love and so I was drinking , eating , breathing, sweating and of course bleeding LOVE.

"I wandered lonely as a cloud over the hills
and at last both of us poured the cloud and me"

Love for me was working as oxygen. Love for me was working as the kick to move on in my life. Love was loving the way we fought, loving the way I felt possessive about someone, love for me was loving all those pain that is caused by my love. Love for me was knowing everything about someone and still wanting to be with them more than anyone for me was trusting a person to share everything about your life including the things you are ashamed of. Love for me was feeling comfortable and safe with someone,but still get weak knees when they walk in to the room and smile at you. Love for me was leaving a part of us with someone and taking a part of someone with us when we part......

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